I’ve not posted in over two weeks, not really read other blogs or made comments. I feel so ashamed it has made me even more reluctant to come on here. But now I have to face up to my dereliction of duty. I hid my head in shame until an angel showed me the light.
Claire (ditching the wine) recently emailed me a spoof Jim blog to spur me into action. I was touched. Someone cared. She wrote, pretending to be me:
“I know, I know. You are such a caring, lovely bunch, your first thoughts are bound to be ‘Why? Is he ill? Is he on a bender? Has he struck up a recording deal and is now planning his world tour?’ Nope! Afraid not. Basically he’s just become very complacent. This also translates as being a lazy arse. He can’t be bothered with his blog any longer. He’s sober now. Moving on. He’s leaving all your bloggers behind. He might ‘pop’ in from time to time, to keep the fans happy but otherwise he doesn’t need it. “
Now I know Claire was/is being ironic. She is a nice, caring and compassionate person as are all the lovely sober bloggers and yet…. there was an uncomfortable accusation within. Could there be a germ of truth in what she had to say? Sure, I could make excuses and to be fair, they are pretty good excuses; work, commitments, planned big events, relationships etc but these affect everyone. I carved out time before, so what’s happened? What’s different? I think Claire hit the nail on the head; COMPLACENCY!
20 weeks sober, Christmas and new year successfully navigated, cravings and urges to drink very intermittent; yes I suppose there has been a bit of complacency kicking in.
Claire continued to write;
We all know this isn’t about what we write, or whether we are 5 days, 5 months or 5 years sober. This is about community, support and connection. We all need help it at different times, and when we feel strong that’s the time to help others that don’t. Jim will learn. He’ll see it eventually.
She’s right of course (God it’s so hard to admit that!), giving up booze and the boozing way of life is not a static thing it’s an ongoing process and I only got to where I am thanks to those who are further on the journey but looked back down the path shouting their support and encouragement.
So thanks Claire. I needed that proverbial kick up the pants.
Complacency? Yes a little and that can be a bad thing. Last week I played a table tennis match and met a new player on the scene. He was very defensive in the warm up. No attacking shots. “This will be easy,”I thought to myself. “Just attack and he’ll fall to pieces.” Except he didn’t. He returned every shot, did so with unexpected amouts of backspin and wore me down into a frustrated mess. I underestimated him. HE BEAT ME! How dare he! I was supposed to win.
Pride and complacency, right before a massive fall. It happened in table tennis, it could happen with alcohol. I can almost hear that voice,” You’ve done brilliantly Jim, you have shown you can master alcohol, you are the Uberfuhrer of Soberistas. With that amount of control you’d be fine at just allowing yourself the odd glass of Merolt/Shiraz/Malbec.Go on man, live a little, you deserve it, sod all this denial.” Get thee behind me Bacchus!
Yep the little voices are still there, tempting me so no room for complacency.
Then there’s the need to reciprocate. I have benefitted massively from the likes of untipsy teacher and others who have been sober for years. They continue because it’s not just about one journey, not just about them, it’s about supporting others; it’s about community. I need to do my bit. I still need the support or may need it. I need to try and support others as well in whatever way I can. So thanks Claire, for prodding, poking fun, bullying in a nice way and cajoling. I needed that.
Now I just need to think what to post!