why we drink

Ok Im giving up in two weeks. in the meantime Im drinking because I am giving up something important to me and I a am scared of giving it up.

I think I am drunk. probably purposely. a Sunday lunchtime seeing people enjoying themselves by the river. Ok I can drink, it’s what everyone else is doing. Ill just drink a bit more than everyone else. Back home. It’s OK Ill drink because. we are having and impromptu BBQ. Yeh. An excuse to get pissed.

~~~~here's the rub, the nub, the bloody reason why- I drink and the world seems suddenly nicer. I look at my partner, my house- what a lucky man I am. I see it now I'm drunk. Nice, I don't see it when I'm sober. that's shit, I don't know what I really feel. ~Is this the best of times, the worst of times? Fuck knows. But why do I feel the need to get into this state in order to feel alive. or is it dead. “““““““not sure. One thing I know in this inebriated state is – Not feeling good about myself.

I shouldn't post this and yet I must post this. This is how I am when drinking. Ive been euphoric and depressed, happy and fucked. not a great way to be.

13 thoughts on “why we drink

  1. nomorebeer2019

    much respect for posting this, Jim. I know I would have tempted to keep it to myself. I can see how transparency is therapeutic, and how this post also participates in the general “aversion therapy” aspect of your “gearing up” towards sobriety. Knowing what we think we are giving up in advance will make providing it when we are sober easier. Also, it’s ok and normal to feel scared. I do too. The part of you that posted this thing -and that acknowledged you are scared of letting the need to drink go- is very strong. I also think that when (and possibly why) we drink it’s partly to find a way to shut it up 🙂 I’m curious to see how this part develops and how you can make peace with it once the time comes 🙂

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    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      Hi
      Just waking up and thinking , “why did I post that drunken rant last night?” I don’t want to look at it but I’ll probably keep it so I can remind myself as to why I needed to give up. Yeh, I’m scared of letting the drink go, but this long goodbye is showing me that it’s a massive change to my life that has to happen. I’m glad you’re around.Thanks 👍🏻

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  2. Addy

    I know the thought of giving up is scary but the reality of not giving up is scarier. If it helps, read my blog in February and March 2010. If that doesn’t scare you, nothing will. And don’t think it couldn’t happen to you.

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    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      I read those entries when I did my previous blog. Much of what you wrote about, the experience you had with your husband has stayed with me. You even said back then that moderation was difficult. You were right. But any change has to come from something internal and I’ve got there, but believe me, your words and blog have made a difference. You are an amazing person. Thanks

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  3. sobrietytree

    Omg. You’re a brother from another mother. This was me on my other blog, before this one. I love it, your honesty… and there is nothing shameful about it…

    Funny that reading something like this written by someone else is not shameful at all, it is the opposite, it reads to me as noble, because it’s the truth, the truthiest truth of a moment… yet on my own blog I could not bear that I had done it, even though I’d done it with the exact same good intentions as you had when you posted this, and when you left it active, then blogged about it afterwards.

    Why do I revere so-called imperfection in others, but can’t bear it in myself? This is the question I have struggled with, finding the answer then losing it again, for so long.

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  4. Jim Simmonds Post author

    Hi sis!😀
    Yes, interesting. Especially that thing about imperfection. In my previous blog I wrote a lot about why I drink the way I do. Like you I need things to be perfect or more importantly I need validation from others that what I have done is good. Underlying that is the feeling that I’m not good at things so a constant feeling of inadequacy even in the face of my successes. When I see clients about self esteem issues I’m good at helping them see the errors in how they perceive themselves. I can even help them rebuild a more positive and realistic view of themselves sometimes but myself? I do the self talk and there are things and times when it all goes well but they are shaky foundations. Years of being told and thinking you are not quite worthy take some undoing.

    It’s lovely having you out there and feels like a bit of virtual hand holding. Thanks
    Jim

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  5. Nelson

    This is definitely the worst of times for you Jim, despite was seems evident, especially when you’ve been enjoying a few. As you probably already know, long term alcohol use has prominent physical effects upon the brain. Here’s a refresher on that: https://www.beachhouserehabcenter.com/blog/the-insanity-of-the-alcoholic-mind-how-the-experts-explain-it/. I’m guessing you’re familiar with most of what I’m saying here already.

    The waves of emotion that you get when you’re drinking are very likely the reason why you began to drink in the first place — and have continued to drink. Experiencing them sober can be very difficult, ironically. Alcohol for a long time helps us cope with those emotions. In that regard it is actually functional for many people, until it turns into heavy and or long term use/abuse.

    Due to the physical changes in the brain over a long period of time, we gradually lose the ability to feel real and raw emotions when we’re sober. Alcohol has done the job we love it for; helping us cope with life and comfortably not give a shit! What happens when we quit drinking, however, usually within a little as a month or up to as much as a year, is our brains literally heal. Then we start to feel again, and that’s when we will REALLY need something to help us deal with those emotions, other than the booze! This is primarily why many of us relapse, unable to cope with those strong emotions, going back to what we know the booze does best for us….make sense? 🍻

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    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      Makes absolute sense and even today after not having a drink since Sunday I could feel the draw of wanting/ needing a drink. The feelings beforehand- bored, slightly edgy- at the moment I can have a drink but it gave me a foretaste of the challenge ahead. Knowing that others are struggling with this and often succeeding does make a massive difference.

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  6. Dana Pescrillo

    All I can say is WOW! I can’t wait to read more of your writings, to catch up with were you are at now. It’s hard, but you can do this. dp

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    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      Hi Dana, good to hear from you. It is hard – as it is for anyone giving up I guess but it’s harder confronting some of the stuff that makes me want to reach out for a drink. In fact I’m probably going to write about that right now! Hope all is good with you?
      Jim

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  7. clairei47

    I’m looking back at your past posts Jim and I absolutely love this one. Reading it was like being in my own head when I’ve been drinking heavily. Seriously impressed that you posted this and so glad you are where you are now and that I’ve found you to hold my hand.
    Claire x

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    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      You commenting on this made me reread it. What a strange feeling. I was definitely in a strange place at that time. Some of the issues are still there but so glad I’m not dealing with stuff by drinking. Hand holding is such a sweet image . Thanks x

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