SuperBooze me- The last day in a month of excess

It’s 2 in the morning here in the UK and I’m awake writing this because I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’m a bloated whale washed up on the shore of my own excess; eat, drink,shit,drink ,eat. I feel sick.

It’s officially, according to my own rules, my last full day of drinking before what I’m hoping will be a lifetime of sobriety and I’m beginning to have doubts. What if I fail? What if all this is some elaborate joke I’ve played on myself just so I can have a month of unrestrained excess?

I wanted to have a month of allowing myself to drink whatever I wanted before giving up and part of the thinking was to see what it would be like if I took the brakes off, not apply the normal limited restraint I put on my drinking and eating. No alcohol free days necessary this month Jim, just go for it, enjoy it! In Supersize Me, Morgan Spurlock consumes only McDonalds everyday for a month to see how that would affect him physically and psychologically. The results were fairly predictable. My month has been similar in allowing myself to drink and eat without any of my normal constraints.

The results of this unrestrained food and booze fest:

  • terrible sleep
  • 10lbs weight gain
  • constant feeling of being bloated
  • night sweats
  • lethargy
  • lack of motivation (with the exceptions of doing this blog and music)
  • bouts of nausea
  • self loathing
  • reduced level of physical activity and exercise

Basically I feel and look like shit!

The month of excess is thankfully coming to an end. Without normal internal constraints I become a creature of excess. I consume, I stuff myself,I devour, cramming it all in hoping for what? Happiness? Contentment? Sensual gratification? Relaxation? Satiation? Maybe that was the intention but after a month I feel the opposite. I feel worn down, miserable, sick, tired, out of touch with my body. I feel like I’m dying, slowly.

This month has not really been an experiment, it’s been me saying, hopefully, goodbye to a way of life. For years I have had to apply discipline and self scrutiny in order to stop the impulse to over- consume. At times it worked and other times it didn’t. But, take that discipline away and my default position is this mad desire to consume and cram in as much as I can and it’s not just the drink. When I drink more, I eat more. Trying to satisy something maybe, appease it, whatever “it” is, but I know there’s never enough food and drink to satisfy this intangible hunger. Instead of feeding this hunger I need to look at it, listen to it, understand it,confront it.

Alternative futures – Jim as an explosive fartball of excess

I guess all this means I should be looking forward to Sunday, giving up the booze and doing some work on myself. I am. I want to get well. But I’m also scared. Strip away the intellectualisation of this project; all the reasoning, arguments and plans and underneath is a frightened mess. If this doesn’t work, what then? Eat and drink myself into an explosive fartball of excess?

I’ll try and get some sleep now. I’ll go to a nice restaurant tonight and despite what I have said I’ll try and enjoy a good meal. I’ll be with my partner so no embarrassing excess. Then it’s home and tomorrow the real hard work begins. Everyone who embarks on this journey has their own reasons and demons and their own strategies and motivations. But there are many areas of commonality. Reading about how others have tackled this huge step into sobriety will hopefully help me reach that state. Strap in Jim, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

Jim x

13 thoughts on “SuperBooze me- The last day in a month of excess

  1. ceponatia

    It is a virtual guarantee that recovering alcoholics will relapse once or twice, so if you do, don’t consider it a “fail”. I relapsed over 100 times in the 15 years I was a drunk. Sobriety is a skill like playing the piano. You don’t buy a keyboard and sit down to play a sonata on your first go at it! Blogging is a good idea; document your thoughts and feelings as you go along, it’ll help you immensely.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      Thanks. I do know from my quitting smoking and various diets that relapses happen, but I’m not good with them so I want to go into this believing that relapses are not on the table. You never know!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. Jim Simmonds Post author

    Although I sound a bit over self assured about this , I’m really not. I’m under no illusions how hard it will be and although relapses are impossible😉, I know they can happen but I’ll deal with that as it arises. You’re right blogging does help. Is it becoming my new addiction though. Is it just me or am I starting to fixate a bit on stats?😀

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. ceponatia

      You’re not alone, I’m the kind of person who has to understand why things work or don’t work so WordPress’ stats are a definite habit!
      And you’re right to say relapse isn’t on the table. That’s the right mindset and you could very well do it your first try; I hope you do! Just don’t give up if something bad happens. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. Jim Simmonds Post author

        Thanks. And no I won’t give up. I’ve seen others do that and it’s the problem with the concept of relapse. It’s all a bit “all or nothing”- I’ll have to give this some thought!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Dwight Hyde

    Awakening out of the fog is an intense process that does indeed require much faith. Like you mentioned you may pick up other “coping habits” dealing with the emotional triggers that you will now face without the crutch of booze. I didn’t initially get to worried about those though. I just kept waking up focusing on the prize of staying sober. I do think it’s wise to plan on having one healthy daily habit you can use. For me it’s as simple as walking and listening to self help podcasts on my phone. It’s a game changer. The podcasts meet that requirement to immerse myself with positivity. You will find the tools that work for you. I’m here for you and cheering you on😊

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. nomorebeer2019

    Jim !!! I haven’t read any of your posts in the last two weeks (which have resembled your last month), but I am about to hop on a plane and go home and join you on this journey as soon as I get home> Same here: tolerance has increased, but pleasure in life has decreased compared to when I did those 11 sober days. I’ve been listening to This Naked Mind on audible and the idea that you only start feeling better and the cravings go down after about 10 days was interesting – it reminded me of when I quit cigarettes. I wonder if one day I can think of alcohol like I now think of nicotine: a harmful addictive substance that I don’t need to live my life, and if other people chose to use, I feel sympathy but not envy anymore. I OH MY GOD I can’t believe this is real !!! Looking forward to this crazy adventure with you and everyone else out there. xxx Anne

    Like

    Reply
  5. Jim Simmonds Post author

    Hi Anne- I’ve missed you! I’m on day 4 at the moment. So far The cravings are actually quite manageable, but I think that’s because I almost drank so much last month I got sick of the stuff and was actually looking forward to stopping.I’m currrently really putting some thought into the whole language and terminology around drink and sobriety and excited about where this thinking is taking me. More about that later.Glad you are about to join us. Be great to have you on board as I’m sure I’ll have some wobbbles and good to have some mutual support. So come on in and if you’re buying mine’s a soda and lime.😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. nomorebeer2019

    Woooow Jim this post really resonated with me. Or with a part of me that I have grown tired of. The insatiable hunger which we know is not “real” hunger (or thirst). I don’t know about you, but I find that accepting the feelings we are afraid of really really helps – and it turns out (as I am sure you already know) that they are often not that scary after all, and can even be our friends 🙂 The part about layers of intellectualization also REALLY spoke to me. This new adventure is also about cutting through a lot of bullshit for me, because using the intellect to overthink things can lead to justification or inaction/passivity, and personally, I am tired of both. I want to DO this NOW, not think about all the stuff I could/wish/hope I do one day:) I’m happy you are on this journey “with” me, a few steps ahead of me 🙂 You’re doing great, keep going !

    Like

    Reply
    1. Jim Simmonds Post author

      Thanks and that bit about confronting and accepting feelings is spot on. I had a bit of that last night and it was uncomfortable because there were elements of dissatisfaction, tedium and boredom which I know the booze covered up and which I used to put a smile on my face. I’m slightly wary now about where confronting those feelings may lead. Oh well all part of the journey. So glad you are starting out as well.
      Jim x

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s