Obvious fact number 1- If I had a good relationship with alcohol, I wouldn’t be writing this blog
Obvious fact number 2- A “good” relationship is one where both parties get something positive from the relationship
Obvious fact number 3- My relationship with alcohol is not good
Obvious fact mumber 4- Abusive relationships cause harm and pain
Many of my friends have a good, controlled relationship with drink. They take it or leave it, they can enjoy a glass of fine wine, sip a cold beer before doing something entirely different. They have lives not dominated by thoughts of alcohol. Me? I’m the opposite. I look at events coming up- will there be alcohol, who can I get to drive so I can drink? How to stop myself at such events getting pissed and sounding off about the state of the world?
Then I might have to plan some non alcohol days, they’ll be some craving for sure but there will also be that empty sense of, “so what do I do now without alcohol.” Alcohol has started to dominate my life. There’s very little I can do without alcohol peering over my shoulder and suggesting I take her with me. She pretends she likes me that this time we will have a good time, nothing to worry about. In short alcohol and I are in an abusive relationship. Alcohol holds me back, makes me feel crap about myself, makes me overeat, doesn’t like it if I do things without her,gives me the impression a few moments with her will make me forget the nagging sense of emptiness and unfulfilled promise that dominates my life. Wow, that sounded depressing. Hold on, it gets worse. She also has made me feel ill at times , gives me three day hangovers and even depresses my libido. What a bastard she is!
Except of course it’s not just her. It takes two to make a relationship, and I have often abused her. At university I thought it would be cool to out drink my fellow students, be someone who could drink a skinful and still stand up semi coherent. I made her attend all my social events not just the ones you might expect and I encouraged others to join me in abusing my dear friend alcohol. I abused her, she abused me. It’s been going on for 45 years. I think it’s called co-dependency
Sometimes people wonder why anyone would stay in an abusive relationship. Well for me and alcohol there’s several reasons:
- I didn’t recognise it as abusive until fairly recently
- I still get something from the relationship (fun, forgetting, changed state of mind)
- At least it’s a relationship
- It’s the glue for many of my other relationships
- It’s familiar and has stuck with me where others have not
- Maybe I deserve the abuse, maybe I CRAVE THE ABUSE
At some point most people do realise they have to leave an abusive relationship if they want to survive. I’m at that point. I don’t think and alcohol and I can be friends any longer. She keeps luring me back but the benefits are getting less and less whilst the negatives are stacking up big time. Like ex lovers we have to stay apart knowing that if we do get together we forget our promises and throw ourselves into an orgy of sensual love making only to feel guilty the next day. (OK , I know, I’m getting carried away with the metaphor now)
You get my point. Ours never was and can never be a moderate, mature, respectable relationship. We are too alike. She was good to me in the early days and we have had some great times, but I have to get away. We are hurting each other.
I originally thought I was stopping on the 4th September but it will be the 1st as I mixed up a couple of social events. In the meantime I carry on drinking. Milton Erikson is the father of modern hypnotherapy. One of his patients was grossly overweight and tried all the diets. She saw Erikson and he told her to put on extra weight. She was confused but did what he said. He told her to put on more. She begged him to stop telling her to put on weight. It worked- she became so disgusted with herself that she changed her eating habits. She overcame her eating and weight problem. Now there’s a thought.
Thanks for stopping by.