One Year without booze- now there’s a surprise!

On the 31st August last year I went for a meal to my favourite restaurant. I knew the next day I was starting a new life without booze so this was my no holds barred goodbye to booze feast. It felt like my last supper or maybe more like the last meal for an inmate on Death Row. It had all the hallmarks of some strange self created ritual. Waiters brining me a succession of favourite drinks; Czech lager to start, white wine with the starter, red wine with the main, dessert wine, liquors. It was my last night and nothing was going to stop me. I went home and drank gin and tonic until midnight. I half wanted to make myself sick, to wake up with an horrendous hangover to have that abiding memory, to stir my resolve for future times when I might weaken. But no, a month of constant drinking had increased my tolerance levels. I felt fine the next day. At the time I just wanted to enjoy my last day with drink. Looking back I can see I was indeed making a ritual of it, a rite of passage, an identifiable marker between one phase of my life and another. Having created that day of overindulgence and expense my new life of sobriety had to work. and it did; for today marks a full year without booze. I’m surprised that I have able to do it and I’m also proud as anyone who has done this should be. It was the right thing for me, but it has come at a cost. Crucially, I must add, a cost well worth paying.

Kinder Scout- Fond memories from being there in March and heading back there soon-nothing to do with the post but I love the Peak District!

Sure, pubs and restaurants just have not had the same allure since I gave up and that is a loss as I loved pubs.. I remember doing my counselling course back in 1990 and in one group exercise we had to revisit loss in our lives. It involved visualisation and we were all instructed to start our journey of loss through our lives from a place of warmth, comfort and safety. We started there and we ended up there. After the session we shared our “safe” places. For most it was either a family home or somewhere they had been with their family. My place where I felt most comfortable? – an English country pub with a log fire and beer. Says it all really but it made a few of my fellow students smile. Now I avoid pubs and a sadness for me is the realisation that much of my love of pubs was not the cosy surroundings or friends, it was the beer. Pubs were places I drank and I could drink there with an abandon I never could have at home. Some good times, some wasted times.

Even now I sometimes miss the experience of going for a walk and enjoying a cold beer sitting by a river or village green, so yes, I did enjoy a drink sometimes.

Then I remember how I needed a drink at other times; to overcome some social anxiety, to fit in, to feel normal.

Then there were the times when I hated drinking but I did it anyway- feeling lost, heavy with dysphoria, drinking to block or obliterate, torn in two hating it but watching myself pour another one.

So I happily exchanged the occasional enjoyment of booze for being able to rid myself of the need and hate it often brought me. It became an easy and obvious transaction. In many ways my life was on the line. Probably it was the best deal I ever made; but a deal is a deal and a deal involves parting with something. That’s the thing that needs facing and confronting.

Who needs a drink when you can walk in places like this

If I have a message for anyone who has got to the place where they know in their hearts that moderation will not work for them and alcohol is having too many negative impacts on their life; it’s this. You will be giving up more than a drug, you’ll be giving up lots of associations. We live in societies where alcohol is woven into the fabric of our social, cultural and psychological lives. When the physical craving is gone the other cravings and pressures will still be there. That’s when you need to remind yourself of why you are doing this. Get through that and you start to see the many advantages; health, sleep, relationships, productivity, financial – the list goes on. Never take those for granted. And be prepared for a battle.

So one year, great. I am pleased but it’s tempered by a realisation that I could have done a lot more with my life if I had stopped earlier. As I have said before, this blog has been key to me doing a year successfully. People sharing stories, the positive, the negative, ups and downs, things that have worked, traps to be aware of- all of this has helped me. I’ll also add that I’m quite competitive so there was no way I wanted to come on here and say I’ve had a drink. I like to win, fairly of course and so far in this “game” I feel like I’m 2 sets to love up. Games can change in an instant so as I go into year two, I’ll enjoy the feeling of winning at the moment but I won’t let down my guard.

Again for those in the early stages of going alcohol free; it’s a very individual experience but with many commonalities; you have decided it’s worth it, my advice is to plan for it, make a proper commitment to doing it, prepare for it, get support, always remind yourself why you’re doing it and what benefits you’ll get and strengthen your resolve. There will be times when you’ll want to abandon this challenge but you can get through those tough times and you’ll be stronger each time you do. On these blogs are stories like mine; people who didn’t think they could ever give up booze who are proving they can. Ordinary folk with extraordinary support. If we can do it with support so can anyone, so can you.

I shall celebrate today with AF sparkly wine and an Everleaf and tonic. I’ll also be able to carry on and meet some friends and play table tennis afterwards. No muggy feeling, no wasted day, no hangover. It’s great being sober! Life is fuller, richer.

No brainer really!

Jim X

Nearly a Year- But Sorry, no thanks to the “Give up the Booze” evangelists

In two days time it will be one whole year since I stopped drinking alcohol. I was always looking forward to that anniversary and planning the big, one year anniversary post and yet here I am, on the cusp and I haven’t got a clue what I am going to say- I’ll probably do something on what I personally have learned over this last year in the faint hope that others may find something useful in that to help them as they attempt to move away from alcohol. But I’m not at that point- yet- a couple more days should do it and I do feel incredibly proud of myself in achieving what will be something I never really thought I could do. Support, of course, is crucial but I wanted to say something today about something that perversely I have not found supportive; and that is the evangelical tone of many of those who write books on giving up alcohol.

Like everyone in the position of contemplating giving up alcohol I read some of the books aimed at kick starting a new life free of booze. Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty that is good within those books but they are written ultimately to sell, to make money for the authors and to do that you need an unequivocal voice. That voice, that message is usually, “alcohol is a dangerous toxic drug, we have been manipulated into wanting it and it’s no fault of ours if we get hooked.” For me that was a real turn off. I drank because I liked it. Yes it’s a drug, but that’s the whole point of it. If I’m thirsty I drink water. I drank alcohol because i wanted the effect it gave me. Being a drug it then becomes hard to moderate especially in a culture where it is so freely and cheaply available, but that’s not alcohol’s fault, lay that one on society, business and government.

The evangelicals try to make out that developing a problem with alcohol is not a failure of individuals and again I don’t agree. I tried many times to moderate and despite some success I realised that when I did drink I often drank far too much- because I’m like that. Many of my friends do know how to enjoy alcohol moderately but I am not one of them. If I could drink moderately I would not have given up alcohol. It’s that simple. So my pride in giving up is tempered by a sadness that I couldn’t get to a point where alcohol was just a small pleasure in my life and not the dominating presence it became. But I am OK with that. I do not need to demonise drink in order to be OK with not drinking. As time has gone on I’m getting to like not drinking but the truth is it would be nice to think I could have the odd glass of champagne at a wedding or a glass of wine with a meal. That won’t happen because I’ve worked hard at giving up and I’m not a moderation type person.

The evangelicals talking about toxins and all the rest really have missed the point that humans have always imbibed toxic substances to alter consciousness. Alcohol, weed, peyote, tobacco, you name it we humans have tried it. Even in the Amazon rainforest they lick the backs of certain frogs to get a psychedelic hit. It’s universal but the thing that marks traditional cultures is that taking such substances was always associated with ritual which meant taking such drugs was limited and done in a revered, constrained manner. The problem with alcohol in our societies is that it’s been made into this readily available commodity that we are encouraged to drink at parties, weddings, celebrations, work dos, days out, days in, meals out, meals in, when cooking, when watching films, when friends come round, when meeting friends , new job, leave job, BBQs, when stressed, when relaxing, basically all the bloody time. That is why it becomes hard to moderate and bloody hard to give up.

So there we have it the evangelicals didn’t do it for me with thier black and white thinking. The support for me, as I have said before, has come from fellow bloggers both on line and sometimes in private off -post communications. The messy, confused, contradictory world of blogging showing that giving up is a struggle, that people do miss their booze sometimes but carry on because it is the best way forward for them. Acknowledging that we miss the crutch of alcohol sometimes but also knowing that mutual support from fellow bloggers is a much more consistent and longer lasting support than any drink could ever be.

So the evangelical “Give up the Booze” writers carry on. You have helped many people I know and you don’t sell books by saying giving up booze is complex, full of grey and with contradictory feelings. You sell those books by giving a nice, clear, missionary style message that’s full of can do and ” see the beast for what he is.” But it’s not for me. Give me the messy, anguished, nuanced and human world of the blogger any day. Nearly there.

Rant over. Jim X

Returns and Temptations

I feel like an agoraphobic who has just let the situation get out of hand. You know, the longer you leave it to take those tentative steps outside the harder it gets. That’s how its felt with blogging, you leave it for a few days, then a couple more. You realise you really should look at some of your fellow blogger’s blogs and make a few comments.  Show you’re still part of the community, but you don’t  and then guilt kicks in. You deal with that by more avoidance and pretty soon it feels as if you’ll never get back. I say to myself that maybe I don’t need to blog any more.  I started it to help me give up the booze, well job done, its been 9 months without drinking. No need to blog anymore. Except of course if everyone did that who’d be there to support the newbies? More guilt. 

Time to stop the rot, open that metaphorical door and step out into open air of blog land.  I’ve missed it. I’ve missed the interaction. I’ve missed giving and receiving the support. I know why I’ve been absent. Family issues, lack of focus and motivation; all, in the end, excuses. So what to report?

I did nearly start drinking again. For real.

Not in some miserable, what’s the point kind of way more in a “it’s a sunny day, I miss the warm fuzzy feeling of enjoying a great wine whilst sitting amongst the flowers and feeling at one with the world” kind of way. This must have happened to a lot of ex drinkers I’m guessing. That remembrance of why you used to drink in the first place-it was fun, enjoyable, it made you feel good. I loved my beer and wine and for a couple of weeks I thought to myself ,”Why on earth are you denying yourself Jim?”

Fuck the blog I thought, fuck that austere, fun-less world you’ve inhabited for 9 months. Life is too short. Others manage it.  Everyone else on the regular Sunday Zoom family quiz was knocking back the booze and enjoying themselves.  Stop the nonsense and live a little I would say to myself. You can be sensible.  I pictured myself as a sensible drinker once more enjoying all the pleasures of booze without the downsides.  I’d learnt my lesson so can I now join the living and go back to sociable drinking.

I came close, very close.

I put forward some damn fine reasons for me to start again. But something stopped me.  I knew this was a big decision, a fork in the road that would shape my life’s journey for months or years to come. I gave myself a week or two to consider. If I felt the same way after a couple of weeks, I’d pick a day and I’d open a cold Guinness that I kept in the garage fridge, then I’d have one of my Belgian Trappist beers also in the garage. Oh this seemed a great day in the making.  After the beers, my visualisation was showing me, I’d have a glass or two of a lovely Malbec that’s sitting in my wine rack and finish off with some large gin and tonics. Oh dear. I saw it all clearly. That’s when I realised I can’t go back to drinking.  I wasn’t envisaging a single beer or a glass of wine, I was imagining a full blown binge drinking session which is exactly what would have happened.  I don’t drink because I’m shit at moderating and before I know it I’d be back to hangovers, excess weight, irritability etc etc. 

This, it strikes me is the real challenge of staying sober.  Reminding oneself of how bad things had been, how easy it would be to return to those grim days, the days obsessing about alcohol, planning things around the next drink, moving quickly from the first enjoyable drink to the 6th or 7th where you start to feel rough and wish you’d never started.  Looking back helped me make the right decision for my future. I gave up drinking for good reasons and those are still pertinent. It’s not always easy staying sober but it’s definitely better than what was there before.

A few days after my Jesus in the desert moment I decided to expand my range of alcohol alternatives as a distraction and investigated the making of Kombucha.  I love drinking interesting tasty drinks and felt that Kombucha could fit the bill. I’ll leave the report on that episode for the next post. Suffice it to say I’m hooked. My moment of temptation had passed.

In conclusion I’d say to anyone in the early days of giving up, yes, you’re more than likely to miss alcohol and start to think you could have a different relationship to it if you started again. Those feelings of missing the booze do go and just remind yourself of why you gave up in the first place. I know I have more freedom, peace of mind and happiness sober than I ever had whilst drinking, For that I’d happily forgo the very transient, fuzzy feel good of what was often only ever the first few beguiling sips of alcohol. I made the right choice 9 months ago and it’s still the right choice. It’s good to be back.

Jim x

6 Months- Time To Reflect

Well it’s the 29th February, I’ve spent the morning waiting by my phone waiting for the leap year proposal but it looks like it’s not going to happen. Scarlett Johansen! That’s it, we’re through, you had your chance so no running to me in a few days time, banging on my door and pleading to let you into my life.

As you can see, the absence of alcohol for 6 months has not curbed my tendency towards self delusion and narcissistic fantasy, but it has nevertheless been a very interesting and surprising journey. Talking of journeys I’m day one into my first holiday since giving up the booze. I’m writing this in a small cottage in the Peak District, ready for a week of bracing walks amongst the beautiful hills of this part of England. Normally such a week would be full of bottles of wine, gin and beer and my “treat” would be to have six or seven consecutive hangovers simply because I can.

What a relief and freedom to not have that to look forward to. Sure I’ll miss drinking some ales in the many local pubs (I’ve booked a cottage with three pubs within 100yards !) but I’ll be able to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to embrace this fantastic part of England, fully aware and alive.

6 months, yes I’m happy and pleased with that. Never thought I’d manage it and once I got through the first couple of months it’s been a surprisingly straight forward journey. It’s only been that way I’m sure because for me I’d had a trial run of three months last year and then prepared for giving up by drinking all through August as my way of saying goodbye to a friend who’d outstayed his welcome. That worked for me but probably wouldn’t for others.

I know giving up has been good for me and I’ll not go through those benefits as anyone reading this will know already about the health and psychological benefits. What I find myself reflecting upon is the issue of moderation. Many of the other bloggers have been here and when one has shown the will power to stop drinking an addictive substance, the thought obviously strikes you that well I’ll utilise that same will power to moderate. In other words- I stopped drinking because I couldn’t moderate. I have shown great willpower so I should be good for going back to drinking as a moderate drinker.

On one level I know it’s a false belief, an illusory promise of joining the legions of moderate drinkers who enjoy the pleasure of drinking without any of the disadvantages.

But I need to settle this in my mind once and for all. I think I have. For me moderation is not my way. My attraction to alcohol was the drinking excessively and becoming inebriated. I’m an excessive sort of person so abstinence actually suits my personality more than moderation. I was of the school of thought that said if one drink is good then 6,8,10 drinks must be 6,8,10 drinks better. Having been that kind of drinker I’m not sure I could be that guy with one pint or one glass of wine in his hand all night.

Then there is the biggest argument against me being able to moderate and that is the nature of alcohol itself. It’s a psychoactive drug. It loosens the control aspect of our brains allowing us to be more uninhibited, freeing us to say and do things we might not normally do or say. That in itself is problematic and I’m sure I’m not alone in cringing at the thought of things I’ve said and done whilst under the influence of alcohol. And that is the point. Moderation is essentially about control. It’s setting limits and saying this much and no more. The trouble with alcohol is I set those limits when sober and try and implement those previously set limits whilst under the influence of the very drug I’m trying to limit. Between the rational setting of limits and the implementation I have drunk alcohol and loosened the sensible, rational part of my brain so at implementation of moderation time, my controlled loosened brain is saying, “don’t listen to that moderation nonsense, enjoy yourself, don’t be boring, go on, have another drink”. So I have another drink and the good intentions evaporate as my rational brain disconnects completely until the next day I berate myself for not moderating.

That seems like a kind of hell to me. So sod moderation. There’s sound reasons why it’s not going to work for me. Yes I’ll miss a beer, wine, gin ocassionally, but not as much as I’d miss the life I enjoy now if I did start again. I think I’m effectively saying I’m glad I stopped, I enjoy being sober, it’s a gift in terms of quality of life being sober, and I’ll pass on that offer of a drink thanks.

Right, off for a walk! No proposals but feeling good all the same.

At doctorgettingsober’s suggestion here are some pics from my first local walk.Not sure what Rheas are doing here!

Jim x

 

El Soberista now takes on Los Bastardos

Last post was self congratulatory. I’m done with booze, I don’t need it.  I’d taken on the drunks and heavy boozers, the tipsy and sodden losers and I had won.  I had faced them fair and square and was pleased with my life alcohol free or LAFing as I now call it. But this weekend a new breed of drinker entered my domain… Yes, I came face to face with ………

LOS BASTARDOS
Now Los Bastardos are that breed of drinker that can enjoy one glass of wine and make it last 2 hours.  That’s who have been staying with me the last two days. Nice people, sophisticated people.  That’s what makes them bastards. It’s easy to dismiss and feel aloof about pissheads and drunkards but moderate, sensible drinkers project a calm self assurance and discipline that screams,”oh so you have a problem Jim, you can’t drink in moderation so now you’re missing out on this wine, brought to you direct from the wine god Bacchus, an elixir, life enhancing, so smooth and velvety , poor Jim, you weak, pathetic excuse for a human being.”

Anyway they arrive Friday night, conversation a little awkward.  They are quite formal people. I feel a bit anxious. I find it hard to speak, is there a speech therapist in the room! The booze would have helped, but I’m stranded.  I open the wine they brought; a really nice full bodied Rioja.  They also bought me some Trappist beers. This was turning into some kind of sadistic torture.  “Here we are Jim, really good examples of what used to be the centre of your life. Here they are, they’re yours.. But you can’t bloody have them!” Bastards!

As the evening wears on I feel more relaxed and don’t really miss the wine.  What intrigues me is how slowly they drink. With me, the first glass was a palate cleanser. Down in one, quick alcohol shot and now let’s enjoy the second, make it last, let’s see, about 10 minutes.  That’s how to drink. But they sat there, drinking slowly, enjoying, savouring it.  I knew they were doing it deliberately, taunting me; the bastards.  I wanted to reach for the Rioja and bludgeon both of them over the head with the bottle.  Death by Rioja. Everyone would be bemused, Netflix would make a documentary about it but I would know why they had to be dispatched.  Instead I smiled and poured them more wine.

Towards the end of the evening, the bottle was finished. 3 people, 3 hours, 1 bottle.  Who are these people? I knew as host I had to offer more booze.  All I had were a few bottles of very expensive Chinon given to me as part of a retirement present. “Oh yes please,” they exclaimed.  I opened it, my wine! I poured it, my present! They supped it, those bastards.

The bastards had a nice evening and in truth so did I.  I didn’t really miss the drink but the evening highlighted for me why I’ve embarked on this journey. I was not and I doubt I ever could be a moderate, one glass an evening guy. In truth I’m not sure I would want to be. Everything in excess isn’t that what they say? It was an interesting experience and all part of the journey and of course my guests were far from being bastards.  The only bastard was my resentful, bitter, selfish former self trying to raise his pathetic, drink loving head. Down Boy!

Onwards and Upwards my friends, keep LAFing!

Jim x

In Praise Of One Year No Beer -OYNB (credit where credit’s due)

This post is all about why I am finding being alcohol free easier than I ever thought possible. Sure there are some tough times, cravings and difficult situations but I feel after nearly two weeks that this really is it. I’m hoping this is not false optimism and my instincts tell me the optimism is justified. Even if I have a little lapse, that’s all it will be because I’m going into this alcohol free journey with expectation and enthusiasm rather than a mindset of deprivation, negativity and loss. For me it’s all been about the mindset.

In January I decided to try going alcohol free to see if it would lower my cholestrol, improve blood pressure and help me lose some weight (doctor’s orders). I knew I was drinking too much, particularly binge drinking at weekends and it was taking its toll. When I’d tried to stop drinking for a few weeks before it always ended up as failure and looking back it was because I saw it solely as depriving myself, giving up something I liked but couldn’t control and if I didn’t make it that was my fault, my failure. It all felt negative. Change based on principles of deprivation, loss, will power alone, guilt, moral weakness and probable failure is not likely to be successful . I’d read the books that most people read but didn’t like the tone, the evangalism, the judgmental tone in most of them. I’ve got nothing against people who drink, I’m simply someone who is not good at being a sensible drinker. Alcohol is a powerful drug and for various reasons I am not someone who can use it in a responsible and healthy way. Something had to change.

I then stumbled across two British men who had created a community based around giving up alcohol initially for a month. They referred to what they had set up as ONE YEAR NO BEER. they devised an approach that suited them. Suddenly there were two people speaking my language. They are two men that liked a drink but drank too much sometimes and were fed up with two day hangovers and the impact alcohol was having on their health.

The key thing was this- they focused on the positive, cool aspects of giving up alcohol- improved health, well-being, weight loss, more time, better concentration and sleep. They looked at the work of Professor Moore who conducted a massive study of the effects of giving up alcohol for just 4 weeks. The results were staggering in terms of health benefits. Prof Moore suggested that if someone ever produced a pill that could replicate what 4 weeks without alcohol could do everyone would be clamouring for that pill. Powerful stuff.

Suddenly the picture changes- going alcohol free is going to open up an enhanced experience of life. I knew this deep down but seeing it spelt out like it was by these two men hit me like a thunderbolt. I couldn’t wait to go alcohol free. That was certainly a reframing moment. At the same time alcohol was at the centre of so much that I did so it was going to be a mixed process; there was going to be some loss and physical reactions to stopping but there was also going to be much to look forward to. I went on their website https://www.oneyearnobeer.com and downloaded their 28 day challenge (not sure if that i still available). I adapted it for my own purposes and turned it into a 3 month challenge. I kept a journal. I logged the changes. For me knowing it was three months gave me an escape clause. This was time limited. I could give it a real go knowing I could drink again after 3 months. During that 3 months without alcohol I felt great; I lost 12 lbs, better skin, improved sleep (although not for the first 4 weeks), more time, more energy, more motivation, lower cholestrol, reduced blood pressure. My doctor was impressed. All I had really done was cut out alcohol. I was happier. The only downsides were some of the anxiety I mentioned in a previous post and the adjustment of tackling social ocassions without booze.

Three months without hangovers! Being able to do productive things on a Saturday morning, this was great. After 3 months I decided to go back to drinking, that was the original deal with myself but part of me didn’t want to. Of course when I started drinking again my drinking was even heavier than before. It was as if I wanted the contrast. As I started drinking again the conviction slowly develped that I wanted to go back to how I felt during that 3 months without alcohol. I reread the booklet written by OYNB authors – Ruari and Andy and set the target date of September 1st. I knew enough about myself to know that moderation was not going to work. I drank alcohol like I do everything else- excessively. I wanted to experience those highs of not drinking again. Going alcohol free had been a positive adventure full of transformation, promise and tangible benefits. It was the magic pill that cost nothing.

Andy and Raori from OYNB

So there we are. Many elements have coallesced to give me this desire to live my life alcohol free. Without doubt though Ruari and Andy from OYNB have been a huge influence and I wish to thank them for sharing their thoughts and insights but most importantly for reframing going alcohol free as a positive choice rather than one stemming from a feeling of failure or moral ineptitude. If you are thinking of going alcohol free or want to give it a go I recommend checking out their website. Their approach spoke to me and felt right. I didn’t join one of their online programmes or communities because I personally felt I had enough knowledge and motivation to go it alone. Except of course I’m not alone, there is this marvellous community of bloggers here all looking out for each other. If I had rushed into this sobriety or filled my head with an AA style approach going alcohol free would not be working for me, I know that. It’s all about finding a way that works for you. Reading what Ruari and Andy had to say, being inspired by fellow bloggers who were enjoying alcohol free lives and dipping my toe in the water with a three month challenge all helped me start this journey that is more exciting than it is scary. Alcohol free living – what a pill!

Why the Delay Jim?

I said in earlier posts that I had set a start date of September 1st for my sobriety challenge because I knew I had some big social dates coming up. I also wanted to take leave from alcohol in a planned way; my long goodbye. Reading other blogs I can see that giving up alcohol when you’ve become alcohol dependent is a tough task and I wanted to have a “run in” so that I really understood what I was doing and making sure that this was the right decision for me. I’ve said before that having to give up alcohol completely for me is really an admission of failure. Whereas many people can enjoy alcohol in a responsible and moderate way, I cannot. From an early age I drank excessively and greedily. Having tried moderation and failed I can see that my only path is abstinence.

And yet…… I know I shall miss alcohol. It has been a source of pleasure and it is so entrenched in so many social activities that I enjoy. Convivial evenings down the pub with friends is something that will either go or have to change, trips to Dusseldorf visiting the big breweries in Altstadt with my German relatives likewise. I know that giving up is something I have to do for my health and wellbeing and there are many things I am looking forward to in my new sober life but there is also already a sense of loss and grieving for something that has been so integral to my life.

Having said all that one of the social events I wanted to enjoy without the struggle of not drinking was my big Bank Holiday BBQ. This was held on Sunday and was a big family occasion. I knew this was to be my last big booze up and very predictably, I got drunk. It was also a brilliant reminder to myself as to why I have to stop drinking. Every element of my problemmatic relationship to alcohol was present on that day.

At 1 o’ clock on Sunday I fired up the barbecue and had my first beer. From a drinker’s point of view outside barbecues are heaven; buckets of cold beer, opened bottles of wine, you can drink what you like without drawing too much attention to yourself. In pubs you have to drink at the same rate as the others, no such problems at barbecues especially ones you organise yourself. I was drinking to my heart’s content and cooking on coals which I love.

Do not cook and drink, that’s my advice. When I do something usually goes wrong and sure enough a couple of hours into the BBQ and several beers later (who’s counting), I lift the lid of the grill and pick up one of the metal skewers, only without gloves. Ouch. That was stupid. Just typing this is hurting my blistered fingers, but that’s the kind of thing that happens when you mix drinking and cooking.

Sitting down once the food is all cooked I chat to my two sons one of whom who I haven’t seen in 4 months. My sons are fairly heavy drinkers too (wonder where they got that from) and we are now trying different British ales together with some interesting wines. The brakes are off and my drinking has now taken on a life of its own. My partner asks me to slow down. I’m fine I say but I’m not. I know that now because one of my sons told me yesterday that when we played table tennis for the second time I was tripping over myself and unable to hit the ball with my bat. That’s not what usually happens because I play table tennis in a local league and I pride myself on being a fairly reasonable player. I cannot remember that spell of playing table tennis.

My partner yesterday tried to talk to me about my drinking. I had fallen asleep in the living room and woke about 3 in the morning unsure what I was doing there. She slept in a spare room saying that I was “completely pissed” Sunday night and had been very loud and my sons had been embarrased by my rambling, drunken monologue in the garden. I didn’t want to listen to that. Yesterday was the day after the BBQ. I went with my two sons their girlfriends and my ex wife (the mother of my sons) and her husband for a walk to a nearby village. We went to the pub. Most had soft drinks but I was straight onto the beers. Hair of the dog we call it. A few beers sorts out a hangover, what a joke.

It’s now 2 a.m. on Tuesday. My sons left to go home yesterday and I’m up in the middle of the night feeling sick, bloated and sweaty with blistered fingers and a two day hangover. I feel embarrassed by my drinking on Sunday and I purposely do not want to find out what I said and did. Nothing terrible or aggressive I know but I will have been ridiculous and embarrassing nonetheless.

That pattern of unrestrained drinking on Sunday is what I do when the drink is freely available. I have done it before at parties, weddings, funerals, the lot. If the drink is available I’ll go for it. Looking back to Sunday I’m so thankful it happened because it demonstrated to me that I really can’t control my drinking at such events. I did not really enjoy the day in all honesty after the first hour or so and it has left me feeling ill and embarrassed. Good. When I’m having doubts about my decision to give up the booze I shall remind myself of the Bank Holiday BBQ and that should help me fight any temptation. My partner is worried about my drinking and I was so close to telling her of my plan but I decided to keep quiet. I have told her that from Saturday I shall be starting a diet so when she sees me not drinking she will assume it’s because of the diet. I don’t want to make it a big deal, and she’s heard me talk of cutting back to no avail before so this time no fanfare but hopefully I shall show her in a few months that alcohol is disappearing from my life.

So yes, in 5 days time I shall be starting my new sober journey and saying goodbye to booze. I wish I could have been a sensible drinker but I cannot so that’s that. Once my start date arrives I need to start looking forward to all the benefits of being sober and once I experience some of those benefits (and I know there will be many having given up for three months earlier this year) I can give up on the grieving for my troublesome friend.

This period running up to giving up is proving invaluable to me. I have learned a lot about myself, my drinking habits, my reasons for wanting to quit. The blog is really helping to organise my thoughts and I am sure is going to be a great motivation in staying sober. Big changes like giving up the booze are notoriously difficult so knowing why I have to make the change is a very important part of the process. Knowing that others have been successful is also motivational and I thank all those that have shared their stories. Your stories help strugglers like me face up to reality and hopefully make the changes.

Jim x

Not All Drinkers Are the Same

I know it’s an obvious fact that not all drinkers are the same, but it needs restating, for me anyway, because I do not want to retreat into a black and white dichotomy where non drinkers are enlightened beings but drinkers are poor deluded souls needing to be shown the true path.

It’s just not that simple. Yesterday was a great example on a small scale of the complexities of why and how people drink. Me, yep I have a problem with drink. I also approach other things in life like I approach drink, I do them to excess. I used to smoke a lot, I eat a lot, I talk a lot, I drink a lot. Why? Who knows; pleasure, filling a void, social pressures, biology, trauma, they all play a part but I don’t see much point in trying to unpick those elements. Bottom line, I drink too much, I plan things around alcohol, It’s hard for me to moderate, I have to stop.

So back to yesterday, I went for lunch with a good friend who is about to start work as a headteacher in a new school in ten days time. I drove and took her and her children to the home of a mutual friend who lives in a beautiful thatched cottage. I was driving, so I arrived and had three small glasses of wine knowing that the amount I had drunk was about 4 units (the legal limit in the UK) and that when we left I should be completely alohol free (not perfect I admit but legal and I didn’t drive until 4 hours later). I envied the other two as they drank glass after glass of cold Italian wine. My headteacher friend drank a fair bit but had her children there so kept it under control. Now she is a controlled drinker who likes the ocassional binge. When she got home she told me that she wouldn’t have any more and that would be her last drink until she started her new job in ten days time. She has a lovely marriage, great kids, likes a drink but has it under control. She knows that alcohol is a potentially dangerous and powerful drug as her brother died 4 years ago from liver failure due to excessive drinking. She is fully aware of where uncontrolled drinking can lead.

My friend’s lovely thatched cottage and look, blue cloudless sky- and yes it’s England!

The friend who was hosting is a completely different type of drinker. She drinks by her own admission to subdue the pain of lonliness and grief. Her daughter died 20 years ago and around the same time her husband ran off with a younger woman. She lives on her own in the coutryside and drink and fags are her companions. She’s tried giving up but couldnt face what life was like without them. It was too bleak. They provided solace. She knows drinking and smoking will likely kill her but she is OK with that. Take them away and I’m not sure she would survive anyway.

I went home and to make up for having not been able to drink much in the afternoon, I opened a bottle and got to work. My partner joined me. Now she’s yet a completely different type of drinker to myself and the other two. She had one small glass of wine and stopped. Just like that. I don’t know how she does it. That is my hell, one glass and stop, I’d rather have nothing. But it’s what drinking should look like I suppose. A powerful drug and poison is something that if consumed should only be consumed sparingly and in moderation. She can do that effortlessly. She probably will not have another drink for weeks.

I on the other hand finished the bottle and had a couple more beers. I sat alone in the garden watching the sun set and despite the alcohol trying it’s best to relax me I could feel something I can only describe as unease and emptiness seeping into my soul.

Last night’s sunset at home

Two posts in one go is a bit excessive but it helps me clarify many things prior to giving up. I am so looking forward to being able to focus on things other than alcohol.

Thanks for stopping by

Jim x

Why Moderation Has Not Worked For Me.

Oh Dear. Just summoned up the courage to look at my last post. What a sorry state to get into. I feel embarrassed by it’s juvenile, self indulgent melancholia. Part of me wants to delete the rambling, incoherent nonsense but I’ll keep it for the time being to remind myself of a state I do not want to revisit any time soon. Strip away the nonsense and bad language (apologies for that) and I suppose there is existential pain that I’m sure many people feel from time to time. I want to say to myself’ “Jim, get a grip.”

The most interesting thing about yesterday was how a perfectly innocent little Sunday turned into a fully fledged solo binge drinking session. It sums up why I need to stop. Yesterday was crying out for moderation, it shoukld have been the norm, there was no reason or excuse for excess.

Context. I went for a walk to get some groceries with my partner. Our village has no shop so we walked across the fields to a nearby village. It was sunny and by the river people were sitting outside the pub enjoying a convivial, lazy, family Sunday. I noticed the cold drinks, the creamy pints of Guiness, cold lagers, clinking glasses full of lemony G and Ts. I fancied a drink. I guess I’m not alone in the way I manipulate situations just to get a drink, but I am good at it. My partner just wanted to get the shopping so suggesting a drink probably wouldn’t work. Too obvious. Instead I spied an empty bench near the pub by the river. I became the wily fox disguised as gentleman, “Hey, why dont you sit down here and I’ll get the shopping, no need for two of us to go to the shop.”

I get to the shop, quickly buy the food and spy an offer- free beers with certain BBQ foods. Perfect. I put the beers in my basket. I also find a small can of beer but which is very strong in alcohol. Looks insignificant but packs a punch, again, perfect. The plan needs a really nice drink for my partner- an expensive smoothie. I top it off with some snacks. Hey we are having a picnic. I go back to the bench and say I bought some drinks and snacks.

It works, my partner thinks this is nice. I’ve had to turn my desire for a drink into a picnic but its succeeded. The small can does its trick. I feel at peace. I feel the love all around the place, people enjoying the sunshine. Ah this is great I think, only alcohol can give me this moment of blissful surrender. But of course I want more I open one of the bottles and then another. I know I can’t drink more without bringing attention to myself, but the damage is done. All I want to do now is drink more.

We get home and I start the BBQ as I want to try out some recipes prior to the big family BBQ this coming Sunday. Again this is an event I have organised mainly for the purpose of enabling me to have my last big drink with my sons although no one knows this is my plan. Back to the BBQ. I’m alone outside and the garage is full of beer and wine. No need to hide or disguise the bottles and I suddenly find myself opening beers, and, come time to eat, I open a fine bottle of cold rose.

My partner has a small amount of wine in her glass but doesn’t even finish that. I do finish it as well as the rest of the bottle. She says I am a bit squiffy. I already feel bad about drinking so much when there’s absolutely no call for it. We go to watch a film and I immediately fall asleep. Not fair on my partner but then drinking is a pretty selfish enterprise. Somewhere in all this , I must have gone upstairs and written last night’s post.

Today I had a hangover and met the guys I play football with. Within minutes I sprained my thigh and had to pull out of playing. What a wreck. What a mess.

Yesterday should have been perfect for moderation. A beer by the river and a glas of wine with the food would have been just right, but no, I had to drink by my reckoning around 20 units of alcohol or the equivalent of two bottles of wine. Now this isn’t a daily occurence but it does sometimes happen, too frequently. I spent two years trying moderation. I logged every drink, counted units. Moderation was hard work. I tried to make sure I had at least 2 or 3 alcohol free days every week and I managed to keep my drink down to an average of 45-50 units a week. (the UK guidelines say a safe level is no more than 14 units a week.) I was fairly happy with 50 units a week, the trouble was I’d drink those units over a few nights at the weekend. Sober during the week, pissed at weekends. Not really moderation is it?

And it is my fault. I chose to drink heavily from a young age. It’s caught up with me now and has started to control me which I hate. I regret letting this happen as I know I’m about to give up something that has been impotant in my life for a long time and it’s not just the alcohol, it’s all that goes with it; beer festivals, pints with mates, drinking and opening up to friends, cosy evenings in snug country pubs. Lot’s to miss. A way of life.

But there are moments where we have to make big choices and this, for me is one of those times.I’m more than just a drinker. This blog has a focus but it can distort. There is more to me than just my drinking. I tutor students, I run drama workshops , I play music; I’m a therapist and I volunteer for a national charity . These are the things that bring real meaning to my life and drink is beginning to sap my energy and take me away from these things, so stop it must.

In my next posts I want to start focussing on the positives of my decision. I’ll be losing some things but I’ll be gaining so much more, as my three months earlier this year without alcohol showed me. In my countdown to giving up there needs to be a shift from loss and regret to hope and anticipation. There will be massive benefits to giving up alcohol and that needs to become my focus.

Finally I’d like to say a massive thank you to all the bloggers out there who I have been following and whose stories are so inspirational. Reading them makes me realise that not only is sobriety possible, thepotential benefits makes it desirable.

Sorry for the long post today. I know there are a few readers and thanks for the helpful comments. This blog is helping me clarify a few things.

Thanks for stopping by.

Jim

Man About to Give Up Alcohol- Exclusive Interview

Our correspondent, Yura Kiddinme, talks to a slightly confused Jim Simmonds about his upcoming challenge and his new Blog, “former drinker”

YK: Good morning Jim, thanks for doing this interview. I’d like to talk to you today about your new blog entitled “former drinker.”

JS: Hi Yura, yes I’m very excited about the blog and glad to talk about it with you.

YK: Great! so Jim the new blog is all about giving up alcohol.

JS: that’s absolutely right Yura a brand-new blog all about giving up alcohol.

YK: Jim I’m going to ask you straight, forgive the directness: are you an alcoholic?

JS: Great question Yura. The answer is a resounding “no”. Sure, I drink very heavily, can’t seem to moderate how much I drink, I also obsess about alcohol whenever I have to go into social situations and it’s beginning to affect my health and well-being. Other than that though I’ve got it completely under control.

 YK: Yeah okay Jim. Maybe when we finish this interview you might want to look up the term denial. Anyway let’s press on.

J S: Absolutely

YK: I guess it’s early days but how’s it going Jim with this “giving up alcohol?”

JS: Ah, well you see I haven’t actually started giving up yet, that is still a few days away.

YK: But Jim, you’ve called your blog “former drinker,” how does that work if you’ve not actually given up drinking yet?

JS: That’s an excellent question. You see I will be a former drinker but that will be in a couple of weeks time. In the meantime I’m gearing up to being a former drinker. It’s all about the preparation.

YK: Right so you’re still drinking, not strictly speaking a former drinker then are you? At least I suppose you’re using this time before stopping drinking to wind down your alcohol intake, is that right?

JS: To be honest if anything my alcohol consumption has been ramping up these last few weeks. In fact I’m probably drinking more now than I’ve had in ages.

YK: Jim I’m not getting a good feeling about all of this; so you’re telling me that in the run-up to not drinking you’re actually drinking more than ever before? That hardly inspires confidence that you can I give up. So why the increase in alcohol consumption?

JS: Yes I can see you’re a bit confused, it’s a bit counterintuitive. Reality is I like drinking…

YK: Woah…let’s stop there Jim. You’re about to give up alcohol and yet you’re telling me that you love drinking. Jim are you an idiot?

JS: That’s  interesting and you’re not the first person to ask me that question. But let me explain. I love drinking but I can’t carry on drinking.

YK: you love drinking but you can’t carry on? What is going on here Jim? 

JS: Look, I drink heavily, I like my drinking but it’s got to the point where I cannot be moderate in my drinking so what’s happened is I’m spending too long thinking about it and planning around it, it’s affecting my health, my sleep, my weight. I love it but I also hate it and it’s time for the alcohol to go.

YK: okay I think we’re getting somewhere now Jim. It’s harmful, you can’t moderate so you are giving up. So why not just give up now, why the delay?

J S: Will two main reasons I suppose. Firstly if I’m going to give up alcohol and it’s something I like then I want to enjoy a few days where I can drink before I finally put it behind me. Secondly I think I want to drink excessively so I actually remember what it’s like to feel sick of drinking, to wake up with a hangover, to feel nauseous, to experience bad sleep, excess weight.  To remember  those things, I think, will help me in the future.

YK: Jim this seems a very unique approach to abstinence. Are you sure you’re not just mad?

JS: look you got to do what’s right for you. In my mind this approach makes sense, it feels right therefore that’s what I’m going to do.

YK: I can respect that Jim if it’s an approach that brings results, then why not go for it. I’m guessing that you’ve experienced other success using this simple approach in other areas of your life Jim?

JS: actually no, not really. For example I’ve been trying to lose weight for several years now using my own individual approach. In fact this year I managed to lose nearly a stone in weight believe it or not.

YK: that’s brilliant Jim and how’s the diet now.

J S: well I’ve actually put it all on in the last couple of months and in fact got even heavier than I was at the start of trying to lose weight.

YK: so could we say that’s been a little short of success?

JS: no I think we can call it an abject failure.

YK: Jim again this is not exactly creating a feeling of confidence in your new venture. Why do you think this giving up of alcohol will be successful when you’ve experienced so many failures in trying to change in the past?

JS: I’ll tell you why. Because earlier this year I vowed to give up alcohol for three months and I succeeded and so I now think I’ll give up for a year and I know I can follow that through.

YK: and how was it giving up to 3 months, did you find it difficult?

JS: sure it was difficult but I found that it was socially and psychologically more difficult then it was physiologically. So staying at home during the week and not drinking was not too bad but as soon as Friday came along I could feel that old association of “it’s the weekend’ treat yourself’ let your hair down, have a drink.” When I went out to a restaurant I could suddenly feel that craving because of the association that every time I go out for a meal I drink alcohol. Every time I socialise with friends in the evening I drink alcohol so it was the associations that created the real cravings and that I found interesting.

YK: and Jim you say you’re going to do a year. Why not just give up completely and be done with it?

JS: When I gave up to 3 months,part of the reason I could do it was that I knew that it wasn’t a once and for all decision. I knew That I could go back to it after three months if I wanted to which is what I did. But there was also part of me wanting to not go back to drink.I think if I said never again when I next had those real cravings I’d give in as I couldn’t imagine dealing with those cravings for the rest of my life.  Having a craving but only having to deal with it for weeks is easier. So if I say one year I I can imagine that, I can imagine a year without drinking knowing that if it was an awful experience if I felt I was missing out socially and in other ways I could go back to it but what I’m hoping for is that with one year under my belt, feeling physically better and being  more productive,I’m hoping that I will say no way am I going back to drinking. That will be the point when I can truly think of myself as a former drinker.

YK: okay Jim well you certainly have a very individual approach to this and I’m guessing once you get into not drinking you are going to become something of Crusader, waging war against the evil drink?

JS: no, not at all. Believe me, if I could drink moderately and sensibly like many of my friends I would carry on drinking. My problem is for lots of different reasons I’m rubbish at moderating my intake and that’s not just alcohol. I’ma bit excessive all round. So no, those people who enjoy a little drink, fine no problem. But I know there are plenty of people like me and worse where drinking has really messed up aspects of their life. Now if one of those persons rethinks their relationship with regard to alcohol that would be a bonus.

YK: okay well thanks Jim that was very informative. I hope, against the odds, that you’ll be successful in your campaign to stop drinking. I shall follow your progress keenly by reading your blog. I wish you well.

JS: Thanks. I’ll drink to that. Well for the next week and a bit anyway.

RIP David Berman so sad that he took his life last week. Loved his music with the Silver Jews. Just listened to the purple mountains stuff he was about to tour with- “all my happiness is gone” track that says it all – not able to overcome those demons- the music lives on!