Call That a Diet Jim!

Let’s start with the good news – I’ve lost 3.5 lbs! The less good news – 4 days ago I’d lost 4.5lbs. I know, I know don’t weigh yourself everyday . I can’t help it- it’s just the way I am. Ah, that’s it. It’s the way I am so my diet needs to take that into account. Let me revisit my bold proclamation last week:

“So phase one is basically eat healthily, one big meal a day and cut out the snacks and crap- and zero added sugar. I won’t of course forget to exercise. Right, I’ve gone on long enough in this post so I shall stop there and start day three of my new diet plan.”

The Devil finds many ways to tempt poor old Jim

So spoke Jim- Bollocks and bullshit diet I should have called it. ZERO SUGAR- ah that should mean NO sweet things like ice cream, cakes etc, shouldn’t it. Well in my little chart/spreadsheet I recorded many an instance of sugar related eating; cheesecake on two days, cheesecake plus custard on another, Ice cream last night. I could go on….

And yet I’m not despondent. Overall I’ve lost some weight and my main objective was to switch to a cereal less breakfast of fruit and yoghurt every day with a minimal lunch and lots of exercise. Those things I achieved but the one big meal often turned into two normal three course meals rolled into one. But slowly does it. This is not like giving up the booze, this is a gradual realignment with food and eating habits, not an all or nothing exercise. I know that in the morning I can deal with only having a small amount of food, it’s the evenings when I like to eat, hence having my main meal then. This week I shall maintain the good changes and target this need to reward myself by eating sugar based desserts. I’ve cut out chocolate and snacks so this targeting of one specific area seems doable. I will substitute fruit and /or bake my own low sugar healthy alternatives.The proof will definitely be in the pudding .

Cutting down the carbs whilst eating good whole foods in sensible portions is my long term aim. I strongly believe that the other two elements which are easy to incorporate into any eating plan and which help one lose weight without even having to diet at all are:

1 Stop eating once you are full. I had it instilled in me that you had to finish what was on your plate. Rubbish. When you’re full-stop eating . Put the rest in your recycling. It’s OK. It’s not a sin to discard food you don’t need. After a while you will naturally adjust your portion sizes.

2 Eat mindfully and slowly. It takes twenty minutes for your brain to register that you are full from when you start eating, so give your body the chance to register the food you’ve eaten. Slow eating means you are more likely to notice being full and can stop. Eating mindfully (not watching telly at same time) helps you focus on the food, it’s flavours and slows down the process. Enjoy the food, not woof it down. That is especially aimed at me!

All I need to do now is follow my own advice!

Jim X

Piss Off Christmas

Thank God that’s over. Celebrating the birth of a dead Palestinian who talked about selflessness, living a simple life and love by stuffing our faces, getting pissed and using up precious world resources; do me a favour!

Anyway hope you all had a lovely time!

I feel sorry for Jesus having to see his name taken and twisted in the way it has been done. He would have been outraged. Presents? Yeh ok give something to the poor kids whose parents have to rely on foodbanks and can’t afford presents or who get themselves into debt trying to give their kids something. Food and drink? Well there’s plenty of people out there who would love a decent meal once in a while. Booze? Really!

Let’s face if Jesus were around now he’d be writing a sober blog on WordPress and joining protesters on the street.

I think next Christmas (is it too early to start planning?) I’m going to redefine Christmas. This year I had to do Christmas the way others think it should be done. No more. I don’t want to spend a week eating huge amounts of food and watching people get pissed and me feeling bored. Of course I want to be with family and friends but “being” can happen in better ways than this gross out binge fest we currently call Christmas. It needs some thought.

Others have commented how being sober is actually a form of rebellion in the same way that drinking used to be. I think that is spot on. The expectation in my culture is that you should drink, you need to drink, events and places are centred around drink but no more. To rebel means defying expectations, to create new forms and practices, to say that there are different alternative ways of being.

Sober rebellion, the irresistible rise of The Soberistas, that’s going to be my 2020. Bring it on baby!

Jim x

Reminder to Self about Why I Now Don’t Drink

Meals out, parties, even carol services; alcohol is ubiquitous, you can’t avoid it. When something is so widespread it can create the impresssion that it must be OK. Well it isn’t. When I grew up, smoking was everywhere, it must be OK, it wasn’t. The ubiquity of alcohol creates its own pressure to conform.

It’s everywhere, that means it must be OK, everyone uses it, don’t be a minority party pooper, join in have a drink, lighten up.

In the face of that, those of that have made a choice not to drink for whatever reason need to ocassionally shore up our defenses against the constant waves of alcohol consumption pressure. For me it’s the health aspects. I want to live a long, healthy life. I want to continue learning, loving and interacting, being physically active and energised. Alcohol works against all of these. It depletes, damages and diminishes.

Alcohol is a recognized toxin as are its byproducts. Acetaldehyde one of the by byproducts created after drinking alcohol is a known carcinogen so can anyone explain how a substance that causes cancer and shrinks the brain can also be recommended in moderation. It also damages the kidneys, liver and affects sleep adversely. Some research says moderate alcohol helps the heart. I think if we are looking for something that can help the heart, perhaps diet and exercise should be looked at.

When I now go to social events I see the initial euphoric effects of alcohol. The first drink and dopamine release occurs, the drinkers are momentarily relaxed, happy and I feel deprived. My AF beer does not cause dopamine release. But then I watch because hardly anyone stops at one (and they are still going to get the byproduct damage of Acetaldehyde) and at that point the depressant nature of alcohol kicks in. The conversation deteriorates, expressions change, potential hangovers develop like mini pregnancies and my dopamine levels start to rise as get the thrill of not needing this poison to enjoy myself.

So Jim, if you feel a bit left out this Christmas, re read this and remind yourself that you have given your brain, body, future self the best present you could possibly ever give. The gift of being alcohol free. That’s got to be worth celebrating……mine’s a Seedlip and tonic please!

3 Months – Thank You Bloggers!

New territory for me. 3 whole months living alcohol free. Now officially the longest I have gone without booze in 45 years. I will pat myself on the back and say well done.

“Well done Jim.”

It’s good to be proud when one achieves something but it’s also smart to remind myself that it’s still relatively early days but already there are significant changes that make me optimistic. I’ve negotiated some difficult social situations; pubs, meals out, visiting friends etc. I have ridden the anxiety of not having a drink at weekends ( my particular area of greatest struggle) and I’m slowly seeing that there is life and fun away from booze.

So all good and yet I know, 100%, that I would not have reached this particular milestone if I had not started blogging. Writing things down has really helped me crystallize my thoughts and helped me articulate why I’m choosing to do this. But it’s not that that has been the real help, it’s the other bloggers sharing their stories on their blogs and taking time to offer support and encouragement with their comments. I have pointed this out before but who cares, I’ll say it again, the support from the sobriety focused blogging community is phenomenal. It’s unconditional and effective, oh and unlike most things in life, it’s free!

Now when people start giving out thanks there’s a danger of leaving someone out but I’d rather take that risk than not mention just a few of the people that have genuinely helped me. Anyone reading this and thinking “I need some inspiration and support” could do themselves a favour and read some of the following blogger’s stories. I’ve actually dipped into many blogs over the past 4 months but the ones you gravitate to are the ones where there is resonance, where there is some meeting of minds. This is the great thing with blogging, the variety, you find the people that you can relate to and that will be different for different people.

Where do I start? I know. Wendy at untipsyteacher . Years of sobriety under her belt, a fellow teacher Wendy is just pure positivity and support for others. She’s done it, been there and shows that giving up booze is not the end it’s the beginning. The other blog which I remember from a couple of years ago is Addy’s at alcoholicdaze. Addy is like a mother figure for me. She tells it like it is. She has seen where full blown addiction leads and shares her story so that others can change before it is too late. Her story and her loss always stuck in my mind. It made a difference. Then we come to Nelson. Not everyone succeeds with sobriety and it’s particularly difficult the more advanced the dependency. Nelson reminds us that it is tough, it can be a struggle. Nelson shares that struggle and I’m sure he knows that one day he will get there and his fellow bloggers will always be there for him. In this community there is no failure, just “pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again.”

Lime twister at moderatelysober has just completed one year sober and for me those stories of achieving longer periods AF are inspirational. There’s always the struggle but also the successes. The same with functioningguzzler, who manages to convey positivity no matter what life throws at her.

Now if Addy is my mother figure, Wendy my eccentric, lovable aunty, then Dwight at fadedjeans is the wise compassionate granddaddy (of course a metaphor and not a reference to Dwight’s age😉). He constantly supports others and drops in little pearls of wisdom. Lovely stuff.

Completing the family would be Anne at nomorebeer2019. Sorry Anne but you’ll have to be cast as my daughter figure. I feel very close to Anne because we started our journeys at the same time and being competitive there was no way I was going to let her win this giving up alcohol game. Anne articulated many of the feelings I also went through but she started her journey against a really difficult emotional backdrop. Suddenly my minor obstacles seemed inconsequential.

Then there’s Nadine at sobrietytree. I can’t put Nadine into a neat Jim category so I’m not going to try. What I will say is she started before me but made it feel like we were starting together. Nadine showed me that it’s OK to open up, express ALL the emotions, that sobriety is also about acknowledging what has been lost as well as gained. Her’s is a nuanced picture.

Another blogger I must mention is drgettingsober. Her blog is important to me as I too work in a helping profession and she has the humility to express her struggles. She demonstrates to me that helping others doesn’t mean you don’t sometimes need help and support yourself. We are in this together and mutual support is the name of the game.

Finally I want to mention a couple of newbies, Clairei47 and Lia at nomorenomore. Lia I remember from a previous blogging adventure. She really helped me decide to give up from reading and communicating with her and the favour has been returned by her deciding to quit recently and I’m now able to offer some support back. Similarly Claire is now at two weeks and gaining so much I think from the support of many of the people I have already mentioned.

So there we are. I’ve only mentioned a few of the many bloggers that have helped and inspired me to get to 3 months. This blogging community is real, it’s authentic and it works. Like others I have sometimes gone “off blog” and communicated directly with one or two people and that brings a whole new level of support and virtual friendship.

Please forgive me if I’ve not mentioned the many other blogs that I’ve looked at and been inspired by but this post is already too long and I’ve got breakfast to prepare. So please take this as a thank you to all bloggers who take the time to share and to support others. Bloggers are a great bunch. Long may it continue.

Thanks.

Jim x

12 Weeks- In Need of Some Stimulation Man!

First things first. Tomorrow marks 12 weeks of being Alcohol Free, 3 months sober; now officially the longest I have been without a drink since I was about 17. So it’s a significant event for me. How do I feel? Proud, surprised, curious and appreciative of all the benefits particularly this; being awake on a Saturday morning without a fuzzy head, full of energy ready to take on the day. And yet…. There’s always a but with me I know. Being honest with myself I feel the tiniest bit bored!

On the face of it, everything’s fine. Moved a year ago, got the house sorted, started a little therapy business, that’s doing well, enjoying my activities such as table tennis league, volunteering, packing my days with useful, noble activities and intent and I am deeply appreciative of what I have but I do miss a bit of stimulation, of things being unexpected and out of the ordinary, of excitement.

Writing this I feel a bit childish and immature, excitement at your age Jim, get a grip I want to respond but it’s what I feel and I would always say to clients, recognise and acknowledge your feelings, so I need to do the same for myself. I think this is clearly linked to the removal of alcohol from my life. Alcohol often made life seem exciting. When I went drinking with friends say at the end of term when I was a teacher we would all drink far too much and something always happened. One person might blurt out something that had been unsaid for years, someone would make a pass at someone else, there might be an impromptu song and no one quite knew where the night would take us, who we might meet, where we would go or how we would get home.

In reality, drunken nights out are just that, there’s no real excitement or change just the sensation of it and then a terrible hangover lasting days fed by greasy food and sweet pastries. I’m glad I’m out of that but at least there was a suggestion of something different when drinking and that is something that is a little bit missing now. Life is more measured and predictable but I miss the craziness and looseness one gets when drinking. Seeking those states is why I ended up drinking too much, I became a stimulation junkie ironically using a substance that is a depressant.

Not sure where this reflection is taking me. I think what I’m trying to say is in order to get some of the buzz and fizz back I need to find alternative ways to get some excitement and unpredictability back in my life. Knowing my past, that slightly worries me, I know where the search for stimulation can take me. Sitting in my garden being mindful of nature is great but it’s not going to provide that missing “je ne sais quoi”. Maybe I need to start rock climbing or buy a motorbike, take a year out and do some travelling? Oh god, am I having my second post mid life crisis? It needs some thought. I know playing music gives me a buzz and I no longer do any drama which I really enjoyed so there are avenues to explore. Either way after 12 weeks I need to find real stimulation after having escaped the illusory excitement of alcohol. All part of this journey I suppose.

Have a good, sober weekend folks but do something a little bit crazy.

Jim x

History Bloody Repeating Itself

A morality tale from the reverend Jim High Anmighty

I had to laugh. Sorting out my study last week I came across an old notebook and thought “that’s good I can use that for my music notes”. There were some pages that needed ripping out but when I looked at them I could see they were pages from a diary going back to 2011.  I was attempting at that time to train for a second London marathon and the pages were my activity and health log.  I read a few entries and my heart sank whilst I simultaneously smiled.

Here’s an entry from January 2011 :”Couldn’t do the run as planned.  calf still playing up.  Bad weekend,saw  ______ and _______ for dinner and drank way too much.  Sunday felt awful and had usual fry up to soak up the hangover.  Weight 14st.  far too heavy.  must cutback on alcohol.” 

I didn’t end up doing the marathon that year and I didn’t make the changes.  I have diaries from other years, same story.  I record my blood pressure on an app.  So many times I have left comments such as ” BP and weight both up.  Heavy week too much booze and food. MUST cut down,” and so it goes on.  That cycle of drinking, eating, needing to change, next big event more over eating excessive drinking always trying to rein in the rampaging monsters.  

Luckily at times I did rein them in for days at a time but only days.  Without that reining in, even for short periods, I dread to think where I would be now.  Seeing those entries and knowing that was the pattern of my life seems now like so much wasted opportunity but it also looks like denial.  The evidence was in front of me.  I was not in control and I hated it. OK it’s taken me a long time to get here but at last my diary entries have changed.  I can now put in my Blood Pressure app.” BP in normal range, steady weight loss since September, had a few runs, weekends now longer blighted by hangovers and fry ups.”

There’s a lovely irony in being someone who has spent their life trying to help others change and develop only to discover that I was in my very own self repeating hamster wheel of stasis in relation to food and drink. But then I remind myself that my life is not just about my problemmatic relationship to food and particularly alcohol.  I have made changes in other areas of my life. There has been development. I improved my relationships, became hopefully a better parent, worked hard to be a better educator and more recently counsellor. I also like to think I’ve improved my guitar playing and biggest improvement of all moved up a league in table tennis (and yes, sad to say, that IS important to me!).

On balance history had repeated itself in a couple of key areas.  Yes, and they were big areas. Those, thankfully are finally being addressed and I’m not going to be too hard on myself because they are but two aspects of my life.  Having been stuck for so long with the food and drink cycle has definitely helped me be more empathic with those I encounter who struggle with the same issues. I see people at the extremes sometimes of alcohol use disorder, drinking that risks work, relationship and life itself. I count myself lucky that my drinking never went to those extremes, but it could have done.  Those who have broken the cycle are in a great position to speak with empathy, understanding and authority.  I’m at the beginning of breaking the cycle and look up to the people who really have done it. 

That brings me neatly to my final point. I want to repeat something I’ve said before. Fellow bloggers with your insight, experiences  and comments, you have made a difference. The support is probably the crucial factor in me finally making the changes that were so long overdue.  Thanks.

Now I have a favour to ask. A fellow blogger, Lia, (No More) has just got back into doing her blog after a two year absence and intends giving up the booze on Monday 18th November.  Here is a link to her blog; Lia’s Blog

It’s called No More and it would be wonderful if we could give her the support that I and so many others have enjoyed and which undoubtedly helps. She will really appreciate it. I asked her if Icould provide the link, give her a mention and she was morethan happy for me to do so.  So please give her bog a visit and wish her well.  Thanks.

In the end I suppose history doesn’t have to repeat itself not once we realise that we are ultimately the authors of our own histories.  

Here endeth the sermon for today.

Jim x

 

 

Achievement and Loss- The 7 week Mark

Seven weeks and my overriding feeling is not one of achievement but one of loss. Why is that?My head says well done but my heart says at what a cost.  Our minds can play funny games with us and mine is currently playing the ,”Your drinking wasn’t that bad Jim, lighten up and enjoy yourself,” game.  Very seductive.  Very appealing.  Very half true!

In some ways this “thing”, this going sober, would be much easier if my drinking had been truly out of control and I was waking up trembling in the morning craving my first litre of  super strength lager. But it was never like that.  The drinking wasn’t ruining my life but it was nibbling at the edges and being a person of some excesses, when I drank, I drank with gusto. I nowfind myself remembering the many ocassions I did drink moderately (usually because it would have looked unseemly to do otherwise) but conveniently repressing days when I’d inexplicably reach for yet another drink, spending a day alone getting into a drunken stupor and then feeling shit about myself for around 3 days.  I conveniently forget  the hangovers that stopped me doing my Saturday morning runs or led me to spend a day eating fatty foods to soak up the booze. Well I’ve just reminded myself . Yes, of course there were good, sensible, rational reasons for stopping.  Health, sleep, energy, but boy can good intentions be boring.

This is the thing, despite my ego and superego (apologies to Freud) acting like some sensible parents, my instinctual, childish ID says, “Fuck off you boring killjoys, being human is about experience, we are all going to die anyway, let’s at least have some good times before the inevitable annialation!” Naughty ID! A bit of a drama queen but I get his point.  I do miss much about drinking.  I know the facts.  I know the science but stopping drinking is more than feeding yourself the sobriety propaganda. That gives you some reason and motivation.  It helps.  But I have to recognise and grieve for what I have lost as crazy as that may sound.  Drink gave me some release.  It was a drug I chose to take because I liked its effects.  It also gave me companionship and an identity. I was bloody good at drinking so it gave me a strange kind of warped kudos and standing.   Of course there were negatives and side effects but those were understood to be part of the deal. You pays yer price.

So what am I saying? God knows. I’m suggesting I suppose that like many things, going sober is not as black and white (for me and I can obviously only talk about me with any certainty) as I thought it would be.  It’s clearly a process.  There are real pluses and I’m grateful for those otherwise I wouldn’t be doing this.  But I have to acknowledge the downsides and probably the biggest of these is the loss of identity, ritual, and shared activity that drinking gave me.

An example of this is when I eventually go to Spain to visit relatives.  I need to visit but I put if off. Why? Because I know that something will be missing. They live in Valencia and a typical day will involve late breakfast, a trip to the centre, beers, chat, meeting friends and tapas. Not much beer or wine but steady, small amounts. A light, sweet feeling of mild intoxication and then a restaurant where good food matched with fine wines is the order of the day. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, or I say to myself, spending a day like that with a non alcoholic beer or soft drink is not going to be the same.  That experience is now dead to me, it’s something that happened in another life.  It was good and it has gone.

Seven weeks.  I have done well and I have no intention of giving up my giving up, but I must also grieve and reorganise my identity. I need to find new ways of getting the comfort and buzz, that not just alcohol, but it’s associated rituals and hinterland gave me.  Maybe it’s the grieving rather than a physical dependency that makes many return to booze. Maybe knowing that that is what is going on and giving myself time will help. There was much that was good about my drinking days. Acknowledge the loss, feel the loss, grieve for it and move on. Better days await.

Apologies if this is a depressing post but these reflections have been swirling around and it helps to write them down.

Jim x

Yes , It’s Bloody Hard , But It’s Worth It!

This giving up the booze, giving up a way of living that did, at various points give us some joy or relief otherwise we wouldn’t have done it, is difficult. Giving anything up that has become ingrained is hard but booze has so many components; it affects you physically and makes changes to your brain chemistry, it has social and cultural elements and creates a strong psychological attachment. Added to that, those that are seriously dependent on alcohol will suffer serious debilitating withdrawal symptoms and experience a changed brain chemistry that will often put having alcohol as a higher priority than their own survival!

So, fat chance of giving up then?

No is the answer, because people do give it up.  Some bloggers on here have been sober for years.  I’m a newby and luckily didn’t get to the point where stopping gave me terrible withdrawal symptoms, but I’m not stupid or naive.  I know that more people go back to booze within a year than stay off it.  I need to keep reminding myself it’s hard and that it can go wrong and the way I deal with that is threefold:

1  I look and constantly remind myself of all the positive aspects of being sober.  It’s a great state to aim for and maintain.

2  I will  treat the dreaded possible relapse as firstly a minor lapse if it’s literally one drink, one mistake, a “I fell off my bike so I’d better get back on quickly,” moment or regroup, learn and try again (definitely no self flagellation or recrimination) if it’s a full blown relapse.

3 I will bathe and luxuriate in the mutual support of other bloggers.  ( I have oddly come to think of a few of these,often anonymous, unseen bloggers as good friends.  Not surprising given their big hearts and openness). I hope those in a similar situation would agree that the support of other bloggers and reading their stories and their joys and frustrations makes an incredible difference in terms of maintaining sobriety. I would add though that some bloggers disappear and I’m assuming it’s because they are either confident in their alcohol free lives or they have started drinking again.  If the latter, that seems such a shame because their stories are more the norm and not everything goes the way we’d like.  In my view if someone has stopped drinking for a year, a month even a week, that’s a success that can never be taken away.  Going back to drinking is not some personal failing it’s what can happen to any of us, and hearing about it and what’s been learned could be useful for all concerned. After all this is a process not a fixed point.

Going back to point 1, let’s get positive, because giving up the booze should be less about what’s been given up, less about what we are not doing and more about how great and beneficial going alcohol free can be.

Tonight I’m going to join a bunch of people who are going to be attending a small music evening in a wood somewhere in Suffolk.  There will be folk singers, a sea shanty group, violin players and I’m going with my friend and we shall play a few songs.  It’s in a private wood and the owner has laid on a barbecue and loads of drink both alcoholic and soft. Should be a great, enjoyable night.

Here’s the thing. If this were two months ago I wouldn’t be going. Why? Well, it’s because I’m going alone meeting my playing companion there. I have to drive and I would not have been able to countenance a night like that in the past and not being able to have a drink. In other words I would rather NOT have gone than have gone and not be able to drink. That’s grim. Tha’s terrible. It puts drinking ahead of music and socialising, and that happened a lot.  What I probably would have done is I would have been manipulative and invited a friend who lives nearby and subtly persuaded him to give me a lift. Once there because I never drink before performing I would have persuaded the organiser to put me on first or second finished playing and then the evening would have truly began- I COULD DRINK.  I would have got pissed, probably tried to play again , embarrassed myself, think I’d had a good time, lose friends and spend two days nursing a hangover. What a fucking joke.

That’s the negative. Here’s the positive.

Instead tonight, I’ll drive, play whenever the organiser suggests, take my own interesting non alcoholic drinks, be prepared to tackle some cravings as I watch everyone drinking, remind myself of what I’m gaining, and enjoy the music and companionship instead of focussing on the next drink and getting drunk.  Why oh why did it take me so long to get to this place?

 

Jim X

A little bit of blogging does you good!

Yesterday was a funny day. Funny strange that is. Let’s backtrack; I’ve been writing my blog for a month now and my intentions were to:

1 Have an online record of moving from alcohol dependency to sobriety, reflecting and hopefully learning on the way

2 Get a bit of support from people either going through the same thing or having successfully arrived at sober living

I’m really pleased to say that both of those goals have been realised but the experience I have had after one month has been so much more than that and very surprising.

Surpise number 1: the flow of comments and interest. I had blogged previously about trying to moderate my drinking. That was two years ago and in the course of blogging I had a few people who commented and I did the same. Only a small number but really useful. For me blogging wasn’t about getting lots of followers but an attempt to become part of a close knit small group of supportive bloggers. That’s how it was until yesterday. Then out of seemingly nowhere I had triple the views I normally have, a bunch of new followers and lots of comments. That was kind of nice but why yesterday? Was it that I suddenly appealed to more people due to my elegant writing, the opening up of my tortured soul, familiarity with my posts and a desire to read them all over again? No, of course not. I think it was down to one word: anxiety. That word being in the title of my last post and a tag seems to have been the reason for a lot more traffic. A surprise certainly, but a nice one, it just means you send you’re day responding to comments. A good way to spend some time.

Let me clear something up about that last post. The anxiety I was talking about was a situation specific, time limited anxiety. It was linked to me not allowing myself to drink at a time when I habitually drank. I didn’t like it. It put me on edge. It triggered some other darker feelings. But it passed. Real anxiety, clinical anxiety is a whole different phenomena and in no way did I want to suggest that’s what I was going through. I’ve seen people with chronic anxiety and it is a debilitating condition that can wreck lives. What I experienced was an episode, an acute short lived experience of anxiety that I overcame. The comments I had were amazing and an eye opener about what others have had to endure and suffer from.

Surprise number 2: The amazingly supportive community of bloggers out there. This has been the real revelation for me. In just over a month I have had numerous comments and ALL of them have been supportive, encouraging and positive. When people talk about online worlds and social media you often hear of bullying, trolls and negative responses. I’ve seen none of that. And it’s not just on my blog. When I read other blogs and comments it’s the same and that is a really wonderful thing to witness. It’s a picture of how this world could be if we truly valued and respected each other. Bloggers do it so why not politicians, religious leaders and others in positions of influence?

For me I would go so far as to say that the support and genuine interest of a few bloggers has helped me successfully manage my first 10 days of sobriety. It’s the quality of the support that’s really impressed me. It’s been much more than “10 days, well done Jim” type of response although that is always welcome. It’s been people sharing their own experiences to help shed light on mine or to offer advice and information that could be the thing that gets me through a sticky patch. Sometimes the comments can be very direct but that’s ok, I like direct and I can choose to act upon or not any advice coming my way. The point is in this blogging community people genuinely care for one another and want to see others moving forward and succeeding. No bitchiness or point scoring. They’ll be one or two just looking to pick up likes and followers but that’s ok. They still give. Oh and there are some big egos out there but hey that’s also ok. If a blogger feels a bit better about themselves that’s a good thing and it could be one of the few places they receive such positivity.

Is it all positive, this blogging business?

I would say the only negatives I can see for myself are:

A. It can be addictive. I’ve heard others mention that and I say this half jokingly because an addiction that does no harm physically and where the outcome is to connect with others in a positive way is hardly a bad thing

B. I have to be careful here. Maybe, just maybe we are too nice to each other. What I mean is that in trying to be supportive we sometimes sugar coat things or avoid any constructive criticism. You can be critical and supportive at the same time. I was a teacher for many years and just giving glowing feedback did not help students make progress. Purposeful, relevant feedback did. Having said that I know I’m now going to get some critical feedback of my own. That’s OK I can take it, just be gentle with me ! 😉

Jim X

It’s Bloody Friday- Sodding Craving Time! AARGGH!

I knew this would happen. It’s my 6th day without alcohol. Sunday to Thursday all pretty good. Sleep not great, no sweaty shakes or massive cravings and then comes Friday. I’ve been dreading today because I know for me that my drinking patterns and my cravings are more social, associative and conditioned rather than psysiological. No cravings until today. Simply because it’s a Friday. When I did a three month challenge earlier this year the same thing happened , the craving mainly came on those days and ocassions I and many others associate with drink. And it is strange because I know alcohol is an addictive drug and changes our brain chemistry and yet it seems that the associations alcohol has for me with certain days and ocassions cannot be explained by addictive properties alone because if it was just about dealing with withdrawal that withdrawal and its effects should be consistent and they are not.

When I was drinking and trying to moderate, it was the same. My non alcohol days tended to be Mondays and Tuesdays. Wednesdays and Thursdays were usually not too bad but Friday was when my drinking gloves came off, so to speak.

I think it goes back to my teaching days. Working in a London secondary school through the 80s and 90s was tough and emotionally exhausting. Friday night was when we separated work from the weekend. Drinking was the fast route to fun, abandonment, dodgy romantic liasons and leaving work behind. The trouble is you do that for 20 odd years and when work changes the conditioning still kicks in. I’m semi retired now, Fridays do not have the same end of working week connotations and yet I still feel the same build up towards wanting and expecting a drink. Today I knew I was not going to have one and boy did the cravings start.

I decided to divert myself. Get on the exercise bike, cook some apples, move plants, more exercise- inside I was screaming at myself-“But I want a drink I don’t want any more fucking excercise. Get a beer, sod the blog, enjoy yourself.” I cooked a dinner, I wanted wine. My partner who normally doesn’t drink fancied a beer. (She doesn’t khow I’ve stopped drinking but just thinks I am on a health kick). What is going on, who is doing this to me? I turn on the telly and the two presenters on the BBC One Show start pouring vodka. 7pm on a family show and they’re bloody drinking vodka, the bastards. A guest on the show, Ben Elton, is offered one. He tells the presnters he loves vodka and says “I’m an evangalist for booze!” Suddenly I feel like I’m the only person in the whole country not having a drink. The impulse to get myself a drink was strong. I really felt I was missing out.

BUT THEN……..

I reminded myself of the many things I’ve seen in other people’s blogs about resisting cravings and reminded myself that I would not be able to have one drink and stop. I also reminded myself how I’ve started to feel a lot better physically and that I have to see things through because things do become easier and better. Then I thought, “I know I’ll write a post about it.” Purge those feelings in a hastily thrown together post which is what this is.

How do I feel now?

Better. It’s 8 pm. The worst is behind me. They’ll be no hangover tomorrow and I’ll have met my first big challenge. I’ll say it again- the knowledge that people in this blogging space are either striving to overcome their physical or psychologiacl dependance on alcohol or have succeeded in doing so is a massive support. For me as well having had that 3 month no alcohol challenge earlier in the year has really helped prepare me for nights like tonight. It really can’t be underestimated how tough giving up the booze is. Depite all the benefits we know about, many of us enjoyed our booze and its not easy saying no to it especially when it’s celebrated constantly in front of our eyes. But just because it’s ubiquitous doesn’t make it right or good or desirable. I’ve made my choice. I want to enjoy my life sober and if a few tough days is what it takes to achieve that so be it.

Right, feel better now. A cup of tea I think.

Jim x