6 Months- Time To Reflect

Well it’s the 29th February, I’ve spent the morning waiting by my phone waiting for the leap year proposal but it looks like it’s not going to happen. Scarlett Johansen! That’s it, we’re through, you had your chance so no running to me in a few days time, banging on my door and pleading to let you into my life.

As you can see, the absence of alcohol for 6 months has not curbed my tendency towards self delusion and narcissistic fantasy, but it has nevertheless been a very interesting and surprising journey. Talking of journeys I’m day one into my first holiday since giving up the booze. I’m writing this in a small cottage in the Peak District, ready for a week of bracing walks amongst the beautiful hills of this part of England. Normally such a week would be full of bottles of wine, gin and beer and my “treat” would be to have six or seven consecutive hangovers simply because I can.

What a relief and freedom to not have that to look forward to. Sure I’ll miss drinking some ales in the many local pubs (I’ve booked a cottage with three pubs within 100yards !) but I’ll be able to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to embrace this fantastic part of England, fully aware and alive.

6 months, yes I’m happy and pleased with that. Never thought I’d manage it and once I got through the first couple of months it’s been a surprisingly straight forward journey. It’s only been that way I’m sure because for me I’d had a trial run of three months last year and then prepared for giving up by drinking all through August as my way of saying goodbye to a friend who’d outstayed his welcome. That worked for me but probably wouldn’t for others.

I know giving up has been good for me and I’ll not go through those benefits as anyone reading this will know already about the health and psychological benefits. What I find myself reflecting upon is the issue of moderation. Many of the other bloggers have been here and when one has shown the will power to stop drinking an addictive substance, the thought obviously strikes you that well I’ll utilise that same will power to moderate. In other words- I stopped drinking because I couldn’t moderate. I have shown great willpower so I should be good for going back to drinking as a moderate drinker.

On one level I know it’s a false belief, an illusory promise of joining the legions of moderate drinkers who enjoy the pleasure of drinking without any of the disadvantages.

But I need to settle this in my mind once and for all. I think I have. For me moderation is not my way. My attraction to alcohol was the drinking excessively and becoming inebriated. I’m an excessive sort of person so abstinence actually suits my personality more than moderation. I was of the school of thought that said if one drink is good then 6,8,10 drinks must be 6,8,10 drinks better. Having been that kind of drinker I’m not sure I could be that guy with one pint or one glass of wine in his hand all night.

Then there is the biggest argument against me being able to moderate and that is the nature of alcohol itself. It’s a psychoactive drug. It loosens the control aspect of our brains allowing us to be more uninhibited, freeing us to say and do things we might not normally do or say. That in itself is problematic and I’m sure I’m not alone in cringing at the thought of things I’ve said and done whilst under the influence of alcohol. And that is the point. Moderation is essentially about control. It’s setting limits and saying this much and no more. The trouble with alcohol is I set those limits when sober and try and implement those previously set limits whilst under the influence of the very drug I’m trying to limit. Between the rational setting of limits and the implementation I have drunk alcohol and loosened the sensible, rational part of my brain so at implementation of moderation time, my controlled loosened brain is saying, “don’t listen to that moderation nonsense, enjoy yourself, don’t be boring, go on, have another drink”. So I have another drink and the good intentions evaporate as my rational brain disconnects completely until the next day I berate myself for not moderating.

That seems like a kind of hell to me. So sod moderation. There’s sound reasons why it’s not going to work for me. Yes I’ll miss a beer, wine, gin ocassionally, but not as much as I’d miss the life I enjoy now if I did start again. I think I’m effectively saying I’m glad I stopped, I enjoy being sober, it’s a gift in terms of quality of life being sober, and I’ll pass on that offer of a drink thanks.

Right, off for a walk! No proposals but feeling good all the same.

At doctorgettingsober’s suggestion here are some pics from my first local walk.Not sure what Rheas are doing here!

Jim x

 

Why Moderation Has Not Worked For Me.

Oh Dear. Just summoned up the courage to look at my last post. What a sorry state to get into. I feel embarrassed by it’s juvenile, self indulgent melancholia. Part of me wants to delete the rambling, incoherent nonsense but I’ll keep it for the time being to remind myself of a state I do not want to revisit any time soon. Strip away the nonsense and bad language (apologies for that) and I suppose there is existential pain that I’m sure many people feel from time to time. I want to say to myself’ “Jim, get a grip.”

The most interesting thing about yesterday was how a perfectly innocent little Sunday turned into a fully fledged solo binge drinking session. It sums up why I need to stop. Yesterday was crying out for moderation, it shoukld have been the norm, there was no reason or excuse for excess.

Context. I went for a walk to get some groceries with my partner. Our village has no shop so we walked across the fields to a nearby village. It was sunny and by the river people were sitting outside the pub enjoying a convivial, lazy, family Sunday. I noticed the cold drinks, the creamy pints of Guiness, cold lagers, clinking glasses full of lemony G and Ts. I fancied a drink. I guess I’m not alone in the way I manipulate situations just to get a drink, but I am good at it. My partner just wanted to get the shopping so suggesting a drink probably wouldn’t work. Too obvious. Instead I spied an empty bench near the pub by the river. I became the wily fox disguised as gentleman, “Hey, why dont you sit down here and I’ll get the shopping, no need for two of us to go to the shop.”

I get to the shop, quickly buy the food and spy an offer- free beers with certain BBQ foods. Perfect. I put the beers in my basket. I also find a small can of beer but which is very strong in alcohol. Looks insignificant but packs a punch, again, perfect. The plan needs a really nice drink for my partner- an expensive smoothie. I top it off with some snacks. Hey we are having a picnic. I go back to the bench and say I bought some drinks and snacks.

It works, my partner thinks this is nice. I’ve had to turn my desire for a drink into a picnic but its succeeded. The small can does its trick. I feel at peace. I feel the love all around the place, people enjoying the sunshine. Ah this is great I think, only alcohol can give me this moment of blissful surrender. But of course I want more I open one of the bottles and then another. I know I can’t drink more without bringing attention to myself, but the damage is done. All I want to do now is drink more.

We get home and I start the BBQ as I want to try out some recipes prior to the big family BBQ this coming Sunday. Again this is an event I have organised mainly for the purpose of enabling me to have my last big drink with my sons although no one knows this is my plan. Back to the BBQ. I’m alone outside and the garage is full of beer and wine. No need to hide or disguise the bottles and I suddenly find myself opening beers, and, come time to eat, I open a fine bottle of cold rose.

My partner has a small amount of wine in her glass but doesn’t even finish that. I do finish it as well as the rest of the bottle. She says I am a bit squiffy. I already feel bad about drinking so much when there’s absolutely no call for it. We go to watch a film and I immediately fall asleep. Not fair on my partner but then drinking is a pretty selfish enterprise. Somewhere in all this , I must have gone upstairs and written last night’s post.

Today I had a hangover and met the guys I play football with. Within minutes I sprained my thigh and had to pull out of playing. What a wreck. What a mess.

Yesterday should have been perfect for moderation. A beer by the river and a glas of wine with the food would have been just right, but no, I had to drink by my reckoning around 20 units of alcohol or the equivalent of two bottles of wine. Now this isn’t a daily occurence but it does sometimes happen, too frequently. I spent two years trying moderation. I logged every drink, counted units. Moderation was hard work. I tried to make sure I had at least 2 or 3 alcohol free days every week and I managed to keep my drink down to an average of 45-50 units a week. (the UK guidelines say a safe level is no more than 14 units a week.) I was fairly happy with 50 units a week, the trouble was I’d drink those units over a few nights at the weekend. Sober during the week, pissed at weekends. Not really moderation is it?

And it is my fault. I chose to drink heavily from a young age. It’s caught up with me now and has started to control me which I hate. I regret letting this happen as I know I’m about to give up something that has been impotant in my life for a long time and it’s not just the alcohol, it’s all that goes with it; beer festivals, pints with mates, drinking and opening up to friends, cosy evenings in snug country pubs. Lot’s to miss. A way of life.

But there are moments where we have to make big choices and this, for me is one of those times.I’m more than just a drinker. This blog has a focus but it can distort. There is more to me than just my drinking. I tutor students, I run drama workshops , I play music; I’m a therapist and I volunteer for a national charity . These are the things that bring real meaning to my life and drink is beginning to sap my energy and take me away from these things, so stop it must.

In my next posts I want to start focussing on the positives of my decision. I’ll be losing some things but I’ll be gaining so much more, as my three months earlier this year without alcohol showed me. In my countdown to giving up there needs to be a shift from loss and regret to hope and anticipation. There will be massive benefits to giving up alcohol and that needs to become my focus.

Finally I’d like to say a massive thank you to all the bloggers out there who I have been following and whose stories are so inspirational. Reading them makes me realise that not only is sobriety possible, thepotential benefits makes it desirable.

Sorry for the long post today. I know there are a few readers and thanks for the helpful comments. This blog is helping me clarify a few things.

Thanks for stopping by.

Jim